Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.
How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
#FireDownBelow
Andrea's Review
*ARC received in return for an honest reviewWARNING: This book is full of crap, quite literally as well as other embarrassing bodily functions and body fluids. Read at your own risk.
I cannot believe what I've just read and what's more I freakin loved it!!
There, I said it. *takes huge deep breath and stands up* My name is Andrea, I read Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia and loved it. Shit! What does that say about me? I'm as disturbed as Debra, get the straight jacket now.
There, I said it. *takes huge deep breath and stands up* My name is Andrea, I read Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia and loved it. Shit! What does that say about me? I'm as disturbed as Debra, get the straight jacket now.
Okay now my confession is out of the way and my therapy sessions are booked I'll try and review Fire Down Below.
This book should not work on ANY level but it does. I have laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks even when I felt my nose curl, involuntarily, in distaste but with all that in mind I have loved reading every word of this SICK & TWISTED (this is said with love, honestly) but bloody hilarious and brilliant book. I couldn't put it down, it was definitely a page turner.
Debra, I salute you. You truly are an author with balls. You have crack me up with the colourful way you have with words, I loved the way you unmercifully and ridiculously sent you and your hubby up. It was all made up wasn't it? Please tell me it was!
Dove lives in an apartment building along with a few weird and crazy tennants, including the sex crazy, porn author Debra Anastasia and her hairy Italian stud of a husband. Yes, you read this correctly, it's not a mis print.
We also have Duke, the downstairs neighbour, who's front door is always open which is unnerving as he's usually wandering about in some state of undress and either trying out his latest useless purchase from craigslist or trying to fit a small kitten in his underpants. Again, this is not a mis print.
Duke is foul mouthed, has filthy dirty habits, like trapping Dove under a blanket to breath in the smell of a methane fart (and that's one of the tamer ones!), crude and has the wickedest school boy sense of humour. He brought tears to my eyes, I laughed so much, especially at the dick piercing scene (no spoilers I promise) I freakin' loved him! #TeamDuke
All Duke wanted to do was help Dove in trying to get a date with her sexy pharmacist but it nearly always went wrong, resulting in embarrassment for Dove, Duke in the doghouse and me doubled over in side splitting laughter.
Although I laughed all the way through Fire Down Below it did make me sad in places for a certain person (again, no spoilers). Debra leaves us at the end of the story desperately waiting for the next book, winter has never seemed so far away.
Join Dove and her wonderful bat-shit crazy friends and share in their distasterous and hilarious attempts to help in her win the heart of her dreamy pharmacist, Johnson Fitzwell. Oh, what I wouldn't give to see this on the big screen.
Andrea gives this a rating of...
Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked,
in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.
“I know
it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff
like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the
peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store,
wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint
Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped
them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.
Mr.
Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to
put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands
and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.
Dove
covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the
sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.
Dove’s
mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down…
there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For
vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.
There are a lot of eyes in Debra
Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring
at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the
kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after
17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are
looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the
cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that
internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.
Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!)
You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...
Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!)
You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...
Thank you so much!!! You are the best.
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